I had just left a parent/teacher meeting last week when I ran into the mother of one of my daughter’s classmates. As we were just catching up on life, she told me that she was unsure whether or not if they were going to keep her children in the homeschool program (to bring y’all up to date, both our kids are enrolled in a program where 2 days out of the week they attend an actual school with other homeschooled kids while the remaining 3 days are spent being taught at home). She told me that her two boys have now reached the age where they need the input of their father if they are to continue with the program. Fortunately in this case Dad is home, but his long hours at the office has keeps him out of the homeschool picture most of time. When he does have the time to teach the boys, she said that he has a way with them that as a woman, she simply does not have at this level of their development.
It wasn’t until this morning that this conversation came back to me. This time it was accompanied by the recent report that I posted here last week which found that 80% of Black babies in the state of Indiana between 2004-05 were born to unwed mothers. Here you had a mother who had the option of punting some of the child-rearing responsibility to her husband. But for a large portion of the unwed mothers in Indiana, I think that it is safe to say that they are pretty much on their own.
The need for more dads in the home is certainly something that has been discussed for a long time, but when you read studies like the one mentioned above, clearly it is still something that is not taken seriously. Part of the reason, I believe is that we live in a society today that still holds the belief that a system or program is capable proxy for fathers. In all of my years working with non-profits, both well funded and not so well funded, absentee fathers was the number one hurdle we could not get around for many of those kids.
I was one of the fortunate ones out there who had a father who was not only there for me, but for other men around him as well. Reaching out and helping other men was not a church-appointed title for him, it was his life. As a person who grew up in the south and migrated up to the northeast, my dad was a person who knew the trials of working menial jobs while trying to support a family. According to all the popular theories out there, he had every reason to walk out on us–but he didn’t. Seeing a man deal with a lot less than what he had to go through and complain about it was enough to drive my father up the wall. However, he understood that the greatest need for generations after him was not so much the effect of Jim Crow as it was men who lacked the input of a father figure in their lives. This is what prompted him to start his small organization ‘Men be Men’. Now on paper it was referred to as an organization, but spending most of his spare time mentoring other men was something that was just an extension of this life. He would regularly spend his lunch breaks talking with many of his male co-workers who really needed the encouragement from an older brotha–so to speak. He would also do things like put together short trips, cookouts, luncheon/breakfasts and many other venues where men could be themselves–men. The budget for his ‘organization’ was comprised of his back pocket and his personal time. His staff was simply his own family that supported him in any way we could.
I mention my father because his actions speaks of the most most effective response we can give to this trend of fatherless homes. The 800 pound gorilla in the room is not the lack of programs, but the lack of interest many men have in playing an active role in the lives of their children. Now it would be unwise to assume that the 80% number reflect father absenteeism. Fortunately there are men out there who are playing active roles in the lives of their children even though they may not be married to the mother. On the other hand, it would also be just as unwise to assume that this is the case most of the time. In my personal experience along with others I know who are addressing this issue, the latter has become the norm. In my opinion, the silver bullet for this issue not who can come up with the best 10-point plan, but how do you convince a man to love his kids. Address THAT issue and we can reverse most of the negative trends in our community. But of course because that is too difficult of a task which is why issues like poverty, crime or who is in the White House have become convenient scapegoats.
“What About our Daughters?” I think is a very timely question Gina McCauley is asking from her blog by the same same. Having said that, I strongly believe that the condition of our daughters is more of a symptom of a much bigger problem–the state of our men. Fix the man and you may just have saved an entire city.
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