This was a question that was recently raised by the producer of the Tom Joyner Morning Show, Ms. Deya Smith. In her commentary she wrote:
“I used to think that if I could just find a man who loves the Lord, then his morals and priorities would be intact; he’d be guided by God and, for that reason, I could trust him. Unfortunately, there are too many testimonies that prove that’s not foolproof either.”
Deya’s lament for strong and faithful men who stay committed to one woman is part of the cry from many single women out there who just want the same thing.
Now I am not going to take the well worn out track of laying all the blame on a few picky women out there who stuck on the image of a man with a six pack, brown eyes and wavy hair as their “idea man”. While those types of women out there do exist, I’ve come to realize that the majority of single women I have encountered over the years are kinda like Deya. The sad truth is that this type of commentary (like what is coming from Deya) is not going away anytime soon.
“But Duane, many of these women say what Deya is saying but a lot of these women really want a thug.”
Yup! Some are like that. But where are you shopping and how long have you focused on the same group of women? Not all women are thug-loving.
Now, let’s get to the heart of Deya’s question: “What Does It Take For A Man To Be Faithful?”
To start off, I can certainly tell you that it takes more than a man who says he loves the Lord and attends church. It takes the grace of God along with a true legacy of manhood for a man to lean upon.
Some time ago I shared on this site a personal story of mine where I had received a phone call from my father who for one of the first times in my life sounded scared. He shared with me that early in his marriage to my mother that he made the mistake of having a one night stand with another woman. He did not know how I was going to respond which is why he sounded so afraid on the phone. He asked me to forgive him and my response to him was something like “Dad, all I know is that you were always there for me. What you did back then is in the past. When I needed you, you were there for me. Of course I forgive you.”
Growing up, I saw my dad work, take me to the park when he could, bring my mom flowers and write her notes declaring his love for her, pray with us, defend me when school administrators were quick to write me off, laugh with us, etc. That is the Larry Brayboy I knew and cherish to this day. How he treated my mom up to the day of his death is the legacy I now stand on in my own marriage of about 12 years.
Last night, there was a documentary on television about the ongoing gang violence in the city of Trenton, NJ. As I looked at all of those men, I could not help but to realize that the vast majority of them probably do not know their father. Father absenteeism is killing our culture. It leaves thousands upon thousands of our men trying to figure out basic manhood. When no real man is present, manhood becomes redefined and endorsed by a society that is too afraid to steer our men into the type of manhood that builds families, communities and nations.
How do I stay faithful to my wife?
As I just mentioned earlier, it certainly takes the grace of God to keep my affections in check. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life.” Some of the ways to do that?
#I always try to never place myself in a situation where I am with other women exclusively outside of work. I am a very friendly person and really love good conversation with people. But outside of work, my conversations with women are very short and to the point.
I knew of one married brutha who spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with a “friend” from the past who was having relationship issues. Being the friend that he is, he counseled her by phone on the issue. When wifey found out, phone counseling sessions were canceled. I really think that this brutha meant well, but being on the phone late at night counseling another female is just asking for trouble. Next thing you know, she will be asking to “touch and agree”. I’m just saying.
#My wife either knows or has met every female I have listed as a contact in my phone. If she does not know them, they are not listed in my phone…period.
#I never kick it with flames from the past on Facebook.
#If the movie is rated higher than PG-13, all the cable boxes are locked. There are many movies out there that are rated R that do not contain sex or nudity. Nevertheless, it does cause me to think twice before I put in that code.
#If my wife goes too long looking like she just woke up, I let her know. She does the same thing when I need to shave or put on better clothes. We actually help each other out with this one.
#When I do encounter an friendly and attractive sistah, I try to remind myself the damage being unfaithful would have on both my kids and wife.
Now for some/many people, this may sound a bit excessive. But you know what? God has kept me faithful to my wife. Without His grace, there is no way I could have made it this far. Discipline is not bondage, but liberating. It is liberating to me because I have some boundaries in place in my life that help me to stay in check.
So what does it take for a man to be faithful? I have answered the question based on my own experiences. I would certainly like to hear from others on this subject (ESPECIALLY THE BRUTHAS!!).
Sistahs, if you care to comment, you may do so.
What Does It Take For A Man To Be Faithful?
by Duane on April 15th, 2010 at 1:51 pmThis was a question that was recently raised by the producer of the Tom Joyner Morning Show, Ms. Deya Smith. In her commentary she wrote:
Deya’s lament for strong and faithful men who stay committed to one woman is part of the cry from many single women out there who just want the same thing.
Now I am not going to take the well worn out track of laying all the blame on a few picky women out there who stuck on the image of a man with a six pack, brown eyes and wavy hair as their “idea man”. While those types of women out there do exist, I’ve come to realize that the majority of single women I have encountered over the years are kinda like Deya. The sad truth is that this type of commentary (like what is coming from Deya) is not going away anytime soon.
“But Duane, many of these women say what Deya is saying but a lot of these women really want a thug.”
Yup! Some are like that. But where are you shopping and how long have you focused on the same group of women? Not all women are thug-loving.
Now, let’s get to the heart of Deya’s question: “What Does It Take For A Man To Be Faithful?”
To start off, I can certainly tell you that it takes more than a man who says he loves the Lord and attends church. It takes the grace of God along with a true legacy of manhood for a man to lean upon.
Some time ago I shared on this site a personal story of mine where I had received a phone call from my father who for one of the first times in my life sounded scared. He shared with me that early in his marriage to my mother that he made the mistake of having a one night stand with another woman. He did not know how I was going to respond which is why he sounded so afraid on the phone. He asked me to forgive him and my response to him was something like “Dad, all I know is that you were always there for me. What you did back then is in the past. When I needed you, you were there for me. Of course I forgive you.”
Growing up, I saw my dad work, take me to the park when he could, bring my mom flowers and write her notes declaring his love for her, pray with us, defend me when school administrators were quick to write me off, laugh with us, etc. That is the Larry Brayboy I knew and cherish to this day. How he treated my mom up to the day of his death is the legacy I now stand on in my own marriage of about 12 years.
Last night, there was a documentary on television about the ongoing gang violence in the city of Trenton, NJ. As I looked at all of those men, I could not help but to realize that the vast majority of them probably do not know their father. Father absenteeism is killing our culture. It leaves thousands upon thousands of our men trying to figure out basic manhood. When no real man is present, manhood becomes redefined and endorsed by a society that is too afraid to steer our men into the type of manhood that builds families, communities and nations.
How do I stay faithful to my wife?
As I just mentioned earlier, it certainly takes the grace of God to keep my affections in check. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life.” Some of the ways to do that?
#I always try to never place myself in a situation where I am with other women exclusively outside of work. I am a very friendly person and really love good conversation with people. But outside of work, my conversations with women are very short and to the point.
I knew of one married brutha who spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with a “friend” from the past who was having relationship issues. Being the friend that he is, he counseled her by phone on the issue. When wifey found out, phone counseling sessions were canceled. I really think that this brutha meant well, but being on the phone late at night counseling another female is just asking for trouble. Next thing you know, she will be asking to “touch and agree”. I’m just saying.
#My wife either knows or has met every female I have listed as a contact in my phone. If she does not know them, they are not listed in my phone…period.
#I never kick it with flames from the past on Facebook.
#If the movie is rated higher than PG-13, all the cable boxes are locked. There are many movies out there that are rated R that do not contain sex or nudity. Nevertheless, it does cause me to think twice before I put in that code.
#If my wife goes too long looking like she just woke up, I let her know. She does the same thing when I need to shave or put on better clothes. We actually help each other out with this one.
#When I do encounter an friendly and attractive sistah, I try to remind myself the damage being unfaithful would have on both my kids and wife.
Now for some/many people, this may sound a bit excessive. But you know what? God has kept me faithful to my wife. Without His grace, there is no way I could have made it this far. Discipline is not bondage, but liberating. It is liberating to me because I have some boundaries in place in my life that help me to stay in check.
So what does it take for a man to be faithful? I have answered the question based on my own experiences. I would certainly like to hear from others on this subject (ESPECIALLY THE BRUTHAS!!).
Sistahs, if you care to comment, you may do so.