Illustration by Felicia Marshall (click image to view her work)
My son is a huge Lego fan.
He spends hours every day building new creations with his huge collection of Lego pieces he has amassed over the years.
“Daddy, can you come here?” he often asks me in a hushed, yet excited voice. He wants to show me yet another one of his latest creations. This time, it something like a one-man submarine that doubles as an aerial vehicle. He will show me interesting creations like this at least three times a day. I love seeing his work, but there are those times where I have to struggle to show that I am somewhat interested. If you are a parent out there, you understand. Regardless of what I may feel like at the time, when he presents his latest creation, I make it a point to clear my mind for a moment and give him my undivided attention. Why? Because this is important to him. Every now and then when he creates something that is really interesting, I praise him for his creativity by pointing out some of the neat features. A smile slowly grows on his face and he is encouraged to be even more creative.
In the recent MSNBC documentary “A Father’s Promise”, there was a school principal featured who said that 80% of her students do not have a father in their lives. Eighty percent.
[I think the reader needs to pause and think about that number for a while.]
I thought MSNBC did an excellent job capturing the effects father absenteeism is having on our children. Children who should be growing up feeling the warm embrace of a father kissing them on the cheek while telling them its going to be okay in many cases are robbed of that privilege. Unfortunately the mother in many cases is left having to play the role as cheerleader for both the home and away team in these situations.
As these kids become older, they look for affirmation in other people and society in general. Where gangs and bad relationships are oftentimes picked as alternative forms of affirmation, racial affirmation is something that can be enforced. While we may not have the ability to travel back in time to tweak the actions of parents missing in action, we can saddle society with the responsibility of embracing us based on race.
My parents grew up in the Jim Crow South. What kept them grounded and full of self confidence was that they had a network of parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and neighbors that made it a point to affirm them as individuals every chance that got. Although they lived in a world that would not accept them based on race, the family unit was in place to encourage them right before they left for school. After school, the family unit was right there waiting for them to embrace them after being in a world that saw them as “nigger”.
By the time my parents had me, the world was changing pretty fast. Jim Crow had become a decrepit old man on life support and the children birth out of the neo free love movement at that time now had government it could lean on as a proxy parental figure. Where fathers could make the baby and run, government could not escape. If government were to avoid its responsibilities, he could easily be found and forced to embrace and affirm us.
Whether it was a science project, band performance or game, my parents were always there to lend their support. With their encouragement, It didn’t matter to me what society thought. I learned to look beyond the few incidents in my life where I was the target of racist actions. To me, I was a giant and they were mere Lilliputians trying to convince me to take a nap. What was it that made me a giant on the inside? It was the affirmation of my parents. It was the birthday cards from my grandmother letting me know how much she loved me and how I made her proud. It was teachers of all races who stayed on my back because they knew I could do much better. Now that I am older, the good woman I have by my side has given me an even greater internal stature.
It is not uncommon these days to hear of stories of how little Black boys and girls reportedly now feel “affirmed” now that Obama has been elected. His wife, Michelle in many quarters has become the unofficial representative of not just African-American women, but dark-skinned African-Americans who have always felt ignored by the mainstream. Many our our beautiful Black women feel that they have to remind the rest of the world that they are not just “Black women”, but STRONG Black women (I even saw this on a bumper sticker recently). Anytime you have to remind folks that you posses what should be a basic human characteristic, oftentimes it means you are merely advertising a deficit. Same goes for our men. This is not how its supposed to be. While people like myself have been quick to point out that there are many individuals in our community who are doing their part to help raise the next generation, the sad truth still persists. There is simply not enough of us out there affirming this generation.
Affirmation Deficit
by Duane on February 22nd, 2009 at 3:57 pmIllustration by Felicia Marshall (click image to view her work)
My son is a huge Lego fan.
He spends hours every day building new creations with his huge collection of Lego pieces he has amassed over the years.
“Daddy, can you come here?” he often asks me in a hushed, yet excited voice. He wants to show me yet another one of his latest creations. This time, it something like a one-man submarine that doubles as an aerial vehicle. He will show me interesting creations like this at least three times a day. I love seeing his work, but there are those times where I have to struggle to show that I am somewhat interested. If you are a parent out there, you understand. Regardless of what I may feel like at the time, when he presents his latest creation, I make it a point to clear my mind for a moment and give him my undivided attention. Why? Because this is important to him. Every now and then when he creates something that is really interesting, I praise him for his creativity by pointing out some of the neat features. A smile slowly grows on his face and he is encouraged to be even more creative.
In the recent MSNBC documentary “A Father’s Promise”, there was a school principal featured who said that 80% of her students do not have a father in their lives. Eighty percent.
[I think the reader needs to pause and think about that number for a while.]
I thought MSNBC did an excellent job capturing the effects father absenteeism is having on our children. Children who should be growing up feeling the warm embrace of a father kissing them on the cheek while telling them its going to be okay in many cases are robbed of that privilege. Unfortunately the mother in many cases is left having to play the role as cheerleader for both the home and away team in these situations.
As these kids become older, they look for affirmation in other people and society in general. Where gangs and bad relationships are oftentimes picked as alternative forms of affirmation, racial affirmation is something that can be enforced. While we may not have the ability to travel back in time to tweak the actions of parents missing in action, we can saddle society with the responsibility of embracing us based on race.
My parents grew up in the Jim Crow South. What kept them grounded and full of self confidence was that they had a network of parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and neighbors that made it a point to affirm them as individuals every chance that got. Although they lived in a world that would not accept them based on race, the family unit was in place to encourage them right before they left for school. After school, the family unit was right there waiting for them to embrace them after being in a world that saw them as “nigger”.
By the time my parents had me, the world was changing pretty fast. Jim Crow had become a decrepit old man on life support and the children birth out of the neo free love movement at that time now had government it could lean on as a proxy parental figure. Where fathers could make the baby and run, government could not escape. If government were to avoid its responsibilities, he could easily be found and forced to embrace and affirm us.
Whether it was a science project, band performance or game, my parents were always there to lend their support. With their encouragement, It didn’t matter to me what society thought. I learned to look beyond the few incidents in my life where I was the target of racist actions. To me, I was a giant and they were mere Lilliputians trying to convince me to take a nap. What was it that made me a giant on the inside? It was the affirmation of my parents. It was the birthday cards from my grandmother letting me know how much she loved me and how I made her proud. It was teachers of all races who stayed on my back because they knew I could do much better. Now that I am older, the good woman I have by my side has given me an even greater internal stature.
It is not uncommon these days to hear of stories of how little Black boys and girls reportedly now feel “affirmed” now that Obama has been elected. His wife, Michelle in many quarters has become the unofficial representative of not just African-American women, but dark-skinned African-Americans who have always felt ignored by the mainstream. Many our our beautiful Black women feel that they have to remind the rest of the world that they are not just “Black women”, but STRONG Black women (I even saw this on a bumper sticker recently). Anytime you have to remind folks that you posses what should be a basic human characteristic, oftentimes it means you are merely advertising a deficit. Same goes for our men. This is not how its supposed to be. While people like myself have been quick to point out that there are many individuals in our community who are doing their part to help raise the next generation, the sad truth still persists. There is simply not enough of us out there affirming this generation.